When you are gone

I feel so lost
I feel so alone
I feel like I have no where to go
I feel like I have no one to talk

I wish all this would end
I wish I didn’t need so much to depend
I wish I could be on my own
I wish my heart didn’t feel so torn

Life has played a game on me
Given me what I always wanted
With a dark lining that I never did see
Its mocked at me and left a soul forever haunted

I sit here waiting for someone to listen
I sit here hoping for someone to understand
I search for an answer to my problems
I search for peace within myself

All this with a hope that’s fading away
With love that I can no longer feel
With dreams that no longer seem as real
With a life that no longer seems alive

I woke only to find myself in a pitch dark place…my mind seemed paralyzed as I tried to accustom myself to my surroundings I was always scared of being alone in the dark, I tried to rationalize my thoughts figuring out why I was surrounded by the thing I hated most??? What was I doing sometime back? Wasn’t I at work? I left in the morning for work as usual today, in the afternoon I had an appointment with the chairman of the Bravery award academy ,I was being felicitated later this month for my courage to standup against one of the highly acknowledged ministers in the country.

When I think about it now I’m glad I left it behind me. The stress, insecurity during the hearing was a bit too much for me. I was given 24/7 security till the hearing and the media hyped up the situation, changing me from a nobody to a Hero in no time.

To start off with I was happy I was suddenly popular at work; people knew me and even stopped to congratulate me for my bravery. I felt happy cause to achieve this level of success all I had to do was spare 5 minutes of my schedule and speak the truth. All this lasted only for a few days..to be precise only for 2 days and then suddenly we started getting calls to take back our statements, I had a bigger and better job offer. The resistances only made me fight harder wanting to see the crook behind bars. I felt like a Hero trying to save the world from the clutches of the evil and then one day when the police barged into our house demanding us to vacate and took me away from my family into a protective house arrest my dream world collapsed. I was 200 miles away from my family, I was surrounded my men in uniform with guns, I was ordered not to get out of the house my job was taken up by another and I had no contact with the world outside. Days went on to become weeks and week to a few months.

Then came the judgment day I was taken to the court in a bullet proof van with meshed window..in my mind I felt like a hardcore criminal kept away from the world surrounded by guards. My thoughts were disturbed when my name was called out to appear before the judge. There I was standing face to face with the person whose death was in my hands. I looked at him hoping to see a guilty face but was taken aback by the revengeful eyes with which he saw me. I quickly finished my work and was out of the court…my family waiting for me.

Things would at last be normal I had no threat to my life now.

Life went back to a routine as usually I yo-yoed between office and home and I was again an unknown until the bravery academy thought of honoring me.

This faithful morning I was on my visit to the chairman of the academy when out of no where I felt a blow on my head things blacked out and I guess I passed out…now I’m sitting here all alone, was I kidnapped?? Were they going to kill me?? Suddenly out of no where I hear my mom’s voice, she doesn’t sound happy…and then I can hear her quivering voice ‘She hates darkness and now she has to live with it for the rest of her life’…

While struggling through each step in the desert, there was a splash of cool water on my back...which brought me back to reality. Day dreaming has always been a passion but I surprised myself when I was following my passion even during the most extreme condition. Here I was struggling to find a way back to civilization. Just to give you guys an idea of how a super model got stranded in the middle off nowhere...we had come all the way to this desert for a photo shoot. I was excited I had never really shot outside my usual shots were all captured in the four walls of the photo studio. This was my first ever natural shoot. Here I was dressed in the most obnoxious outfit made, sweating more than I would sweat at my workouts and I had to carry all this with a smile.

People around me thought I had it all my glamorous lifestyle was a great way of hiding the deep secrets of a model anyways being a model was fun I did get all the attention and everybody around me made me look perfect all the time. I had a makeup artist a hairdresser a dress fitter the list was so long…

As for my first outdoor shoot things where going great during the first half at least that’s what I thought I changed a dozen outfits and shoes, all so uncomfortable yet beautiful for the Fashion magazine people. After an entire day of hard work we were to wrap up post one last shot…one last outfit to change and one last style to potray..i was dressed in a gown with a corset so tight I had trouble breathing and the gown so huge it had to be lifted by four other to get me moving.

That’s when nature decided to play its trick on me. It became windy, our crew members started moving towards the vanity vans but the photographer was a bit too professional and determined to finish the shoot so the model (that’s me) and the photographer were left behind to wrap up the shoot. As time passed the wing grew stronger making it impossible for me to manage posing so Rob (that’s the photographers name) decided we should cut the shoot short…saying this he just walked away leaving me struggling behind.

Each step was difficult for me to take and as the wind blew the images around me became blur and not only was it difficult for me to walk but also difficult to look around me for help…

As I continued to curse my luck there was again a splash of cold water on my back..this time I was sure it wasn’t my imagination I turned around irritated to find my entire crew standing behind me, each one had a grin on their face…I looked around the photo shoot was on and the model whose makeup was my responsibility was outside at the shoot with Rob. The weather looked bright and sunny….that’s when I realized I was at it again…I was Day dreaming…I better go and change before I get drenched again.

Tanvee Nadkarni

Frightening indeed….this technology!

Frightening indeed….this technology!
I came across this line while browsing through another blog. The line actually got me thinking. It made me think was technology actually invading us??? Do we have to compete with technology to survive and keep ourselves going? Or is technology our answer to the complications of life? Is it our way of finding solution for the betterment of human race???


The mosquitoes dint let me sleep they attack me the entire time I lay down. How was I to ward off these creatures????? I wish there was something made to keep them away after the sun went down. They enjoyed and feasted the few hours I went to bed especially since I have to sleep with my window open and position myself directly under the morning rays of the sun so as to wake up with the first rays and then rush to work.
Depending on nature for reaching work just before the boss was really tough…it had it’s own ways of playing a joke on me by waking me a little later than usual when I had loads to finish at work. I wish I had something that could be more dependable to wake me up and help me reach office in time. Anyways no use of wishing cause there is nothing I can do about it except hurrying up my chores and rushing all the way to office.
To reach office I have to take about 10,000 steps one way. I keep track of the number of steps I take to work so as to pass time what else can I do? I hum a tune which I heard Mrs. Xxx sing the other day she is good at it actually the only talented singer in our town and I love hearing her but she charges a lot of money for each song she sings for u its her way of livelihood. I wish I could capture what she things and listen to it all the way to work….ok enough of wishing actually one last wish let Miss yyy reach a little later than me let the sun at her end rise a little later than mine else I will have to hear her scream for the entire day cursing me for not being on time…how do I manage being ahead of her everyday? I need to hire a detective to note down her every move and be at work before her J sounds fun!!! but who can afford one??
……Ninenintyninethoushand……ten thousand and there am at work. The building looks nice it’s a small 2 storey thing with about 50 people cramped up inside the builder wanted to increase the stories but it was impossible for the workers to carry all the stuff required by them to the top without hurting and tiring themselves…it would be a lot more comfortable for us though not to be sticking into each others nose while working on the barter system….I forgot to mention my company handles property for people (the class of society) who cannot manage keeping a track of their trading they did come to us on daily basis actually they hire people to carry material across long distance to get to us. Sometimes we are also made to go all the way to our clients because they have more to offer us. We have groups of people to calculate trade, to run and quickly pass important messages to the clients (these are usually athletes ) then there are others who keep track of all the work we have done, list of our clients etc…there is so much paper around….Its a tough job..for all of us..
The entire day goes by really fast at work, today I had about 20 people coming to me with all their trading details and now as the sun sets my head stops functioning I’m tired and have to force myself back home dragging my feet another 10,000 steps. Why is there nothing that would allow me to sit and move all the way back and forth????
By the time I reach home it’s already dark outside and the attackers are back…today I don’t need to sleep outside tomorrow is my off every seven days I get an off. We keep track on this religiously J I prepare some supper for me actually I just eat an apple because I’m tired of lighting fire to cook my meal and then I slip under the blankets…thinking about my family, I miss them I had to start living on my own because my work place was really far from home…I wish I could talk to my mom …before I drift to a sleep I send a prayer up to heaven asking god to find a solution to all my problems…surprising god answers with a bell….I smile…happy to know my prayers were acknowledged the bell continues to grow louder and louder my the minute…it reaches a point where I cant bear it any longer….I twist and turn hold the blanket over my ears to stop the ringing in my ears but it doesn’t…just then I hear my mom scream my name…I open my eyes…and there she is screaming in my ears oops I had my hands free on…I usually set the alarm clock and always tell my mom to wake me up so I can reach work on time…so she calls each morning…as the dream fades out, my mind becomes a little clear about everything I speak to my family living a flight away tell them I miss them and rush out to work. My work place is an hour away but I enjoy the journey that the time I get to listen to my favorite artist on my ipod as I sit by my favorite window seat in the company bus.
Am I glad god answered my prayers by sending technology to the rescue....


Technology is making it possible to spread emotions & smiles virtually,yet these are real enough to touch the heart.
Tanvee Nadkarni

To my granddad – my inspiration

This a word of thanks to my inspiration
This is a way of me showing my admiration
I wish I had done this earlier
I wish my thoughts had been clearer
I’m hoping you would still read it
And see in my life the light that you lit

From the time I can remember
You have always been my teacher
You taught me to follow my dreams
However impossible they seemed
I was always proud of you
Looked up to everything you ever did do

For me you were the best
Someone who always quenched my knowledge quest
You made me feel special
Even at times when I wasn’t capable
You always stood by me
Making it easier through darkness to see

I wish I could have told you this in person
But wasn’t wise enough then to have taken up the decision
I miss your presence
Feel lost in your absence
Why did you have to go?
I needed you so much more
Even now I hope one day you would be there
By my side, telling me you still care

There is so much more I wanted to tell you
There is so much for you I wanted to do
I wanted you to know that I loved you
I wanted to thank you
I thank god because he made you my granddad
For me you were the greatest inspiration I ever had.

Tanvee Nadkarni

change the only thing thats constant!!!

As the alarm rings..my hands stretch mechanically to switch it off. I lay down in my bed awake but my eyes still shut another 5 minutes and I drag myself to the washroom I know i will be late if i don't hurry but then as usual i push the thought away. This is my everyday routine,I wake up each morning and go about doing the same things i have been doing for the past few years and yet I realize how through these years I have changed and so has the world around me.
As I brush my teeth I look at the person standing in front of me I can barely notice the slight resemblance which i believe is fading each day with life itself. My hair all tied up in a bun..Now i don't specifically remember wanting to grow my hair, just that i missed my appointment the last time i planned to visit the parlor. My eyes seem to be lost in the pool of dark circles so dark that it looks like my eye liner is smudged and i smile at the memory of telling my friends about wanting dark circles to look studious.
My heart suddenly skips a beat as the door bell rings, the newspapers here. I love reading the paper sipping on a hot cup of coffee on my terrace. The reason i bought this house was its location, the surrounding greenery and a quiet neighborhood. I thought it would be a gateway from my life in the suburbs of the city. It was great for sometime until i got a neighbor and then in no time i was surrounded by quite a few neighborhoods.
A blaring horn of a truck interrupts my thoughts and i get back to reality i have to get going rush to work. As I rush my way out I'm hoping I reach on time I send a prayer up as usual for a miracle to happen. Deep inside i know there is no such thing as miracle its just drive fast and faster and safe enough not to kill anybody. I hate driving it surprises me why my profile shows driving as my hobby. I'm sure somebody in office was playing a prank on me, who could it be to change my profile so drastically,everything seems wrong my profile, my work, my sitting location,who could possibly hate me to make it worst...who..who...????...............................................................................
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I open my eyes to a different world. I'm in a room surrounded by huge machines and there are a few people around me looking not so sure. I feel so tired and fagged out as if i have just finished a jog across the globe. I'm trying to comprehend what is happening around me thats when i realize i was supposed to be in office, this time i will be fired for sure. Not that I'm too popular in office somebody even had the cheek to change my profile................oh my god!!!!! now i remember what had happened i was thinking and was so engrossed in trying to figure out my enemies in office that i went off the road and my car rolled down a small valley...i remember the pain and the frightened thoughts of death going through my mind. I can feel my blood rush,my body can feel the pain, my fear overcomes my sanity and i drift away from the present,
I don't know how long it had been since i opened my eyes to life again. This time i saw happy faces, A few of my colleagues were visiting, My body did feel weak but i was strong enough to sit up. My family was there, its been quiet a while i haven't been home. I always had an excuse not to visit. A few more days pass, me being pampered a lot and then the doctors allow me to leave for home.
My sister says she will drive and i don't put up an argument I sit next to the drivers seat..she says she has a surprise for me. Even through my excitement my body was not yet prepared as she drives i doze off. When I do wake up and look outside the road is so beautiful it is surrounded by greenery and it stretches far to the horizon.I suddenly feel the urge to drive,i tell my sister to stop driving i want to be behind the wheel. She lets me take the wheels and we continue our journey. The feeling of driving is amazing, I'm actually enjoying it..the rest of our journey is a quite one..I don't feel the need to talk driving give me a feeling of self security it allows me to go any place i want to be where no one has been thats why its my favorite hobby...it was me....i was the one who made that profile...i hated myself...i never cared enough...i neglected myself..my family..things i love to do.....I now know how i changed and left the real me behind...I have to get myself back The accident was a blessing in disguise I got a new life. My office let me work from home. I had shifted my base to a locality i loved (that was the surprise my sister had for me). In my mind i knew things would change and this place would be soon eaten up my the growing population and commercial aspects of life..but i was ready for the change this time...i will not let it come in the way of being me. Due to the accident my hair was back to normal it had to be cut short and smart just the way i liked it..my eyes were not hidden behind dark circles because i had got enough of involuntary sleep.... :)
God did answer my prayer and sent me a miracle...

Tanvee Nadkarni

Life's not fair...maybe we aren't fair

'Xxyyaaa' has been stranded, with no where to go and nobody to lean on. She is left by herself answering unwanted questions, reasoning with life and the law of nature...sounds familiar? Doesn't it? its in news all the time. There have been so many such cases recorded and yet so many others left unheard.

I fail to understand those people who leave behind their parents, grandparents alone when they are needed the most. Its a shame to see the increase in need of old age homes with the increasing number of people being removed out of their own homes considering them to be an inconvenience.

Why do we forget they were the one who laid our core foundation,We are what we are today because of their faith in us and unconditional love that stood by us during our odds in life.
We took our first step in life holding on to them for their support and guidance and now we cannot even spare a few minutes for them.

When questioned each one of us has an excuse for our behavior some even cut themselves out because they consider themselves out of this league, shielding themselves behind walls of self denial. Just because we pay their bills or let them stay with us doesn't mean we are a lot better than those who have sent them away.

Imagine being shunned as a kid because you needed support to sit up or even take a few steps. Imagine being hungry because your parents or grandparents were too busy in their daily routines to care for you.
What would your life be if they treated you the same way as you treat them now? If they had their set of excuses to not spare enough time for you. What if you had no one to go back home to after school, Nobody to pamper you with the best they were capable of, What if........
The list can go on forever.

So why don't we change ourselves just a bit, spare an hour our two every day from our busy schedules to talk to our parents,grandparents. Sit by there side give them all the support they need without complaining or their asking.
Trust me spare a little time and loads of love these will be some of the most memorable days of your life

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world....



Tanvee Nadkarni